Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
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Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Lassie, get help!
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.