The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
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Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Breaking news:
Bless you
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Oh we’ve met.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.