80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
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Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.