With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
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“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers