Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
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I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
huge valentines day plans this year!!
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life