If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
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I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?