If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
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I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
🤣🤣💀
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.