I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
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Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
This cat wants you to take your pills
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.