me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
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I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
I鈥檓 going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
It鈥檚 a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
3: Mommy, I love you. You鈥檙e the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Living the best life.. 馃槉
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don鈥檛 mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
An hourglass timer, but it鈥檚 just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we鈥檙e running late.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Elton John: Mars ain鈥檛 the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it鈥檚 cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]