I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
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Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
No, he would not have.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
new wife guy just dropped
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia