Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
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i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Education is vital
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No