I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
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When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Meme Monday.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into