What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
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Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater