[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
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At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.