Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
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I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking