So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
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The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could