Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
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My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
moms in horror movies
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.