ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
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I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game