ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
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Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?