Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
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Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
The USS B port
2022: I can fix it
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving