I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
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There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.