There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
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Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me