How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
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Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.