Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
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No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.