My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
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I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.