local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
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[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Chicago sounds lovely.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?