Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
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Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”