im 7 sauces long
You Might Also Like
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Heroic Misunderstanding
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.