i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
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“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?