There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
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After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Its true…
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.