ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
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Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
If snakes were wide
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Duolingo getting serious.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!