Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
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I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.