Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
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twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’