The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
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Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
my dad when a sex scene comes on
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*