Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
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My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
This took me a second..
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭