Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
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Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months