Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.