tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
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Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Perfect
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
finally
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”