The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
You Might Also Like
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
He took my last fry, your honor
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.