Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
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Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
2022 will be better than 2021
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things