A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
You Might Also Like
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry