[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
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Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.