I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
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Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.