Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
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Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Finally, a door that understands me
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.