R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
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My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Happy Star Wars day!
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
lmfao come on
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”