[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
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You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????