My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
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I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Body by Oreos
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking