water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
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reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.