Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
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I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I love wikipedia
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.