It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
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People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
🙁
So true for me
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Happy Thanksgiving
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall